the Heart Approaches What It Yearns

dateline, Sedgwick County, KS

I’ve cleared my head, I’ve thought about it, and I have decided to ask if I can stay at D’s and look after M’s children.

I just don’t know what he’ll say.

Just so you, dear blog, don’t think I’m nuts: I spoke to D and asked him what he might need right now.

He needs child care.

It’s the least I can do. Hell, it’s the only thing I can do. He says I can stay here, in the spare room I’ve been staying in.

My mom thinks I’m crazy. Mademoiselle D, D’s sister, thinks I’m way out of line. Bobbi (you remember, this one) is D’s friend, and she thinks I’m out of line too, that they need time to grieve and be alone as a family.

With all due respect to my mom, to my former roommate, to M’s friend and my former “HR director”: Poo on that. They also need someone to drop off and pick the kids up at school, and someone to watch the baby and someone to get breakfast and someone to help settle arguments and to help teach them what girls are about and all those things and I don’t even know what. But I need to feel like I’m helping. Walking out now and just going up to KC and waiting tables seems so wrong. I can stay down here and make beds, change diapers, hold hands, wipe tears.

I’m not saying I’d be anywhere near as good as M at any of those things. I amnot a substitute mom.

And … I am NOT doing this so I can work my way into D’s heart. I swear to that on M’s ashes, on Cate Blanchett’s diction and on Ireland herself. He’s already worked his way into mine and I can’t deny it. But I want to be there for the kids. He needs time to his grief. I won’t get between him and M right now.