the Heart Approaches What It Yearns

Faithful readers of this journal may remember that I am also a sometime “working girl” at this online brothel called Lady Ann’s. It might not also have been mentioned that I occasionally fooled around with cybersex before and after that. OK, by the time Lady Ann’s came around, it was more than “occasionally”; I did it at least a couple times a week – enough to be named “Girl of the Week” a few times. I had rules, though: no cams, no meeting offline, and no attachments. This isn’t a dating service; this is just for fun, and if anyone ever gets hurt, we stop.

I did it recently, since I just don’t get enough sex. But after last Tuesday, I started to feel guilty about it.

It’s different now, coming to Monsieur’s bed with sticky fingers and swollen pubes. I know he didn’t mind it when Maggie did it, and she even told me it spiced up their sex life. I just can’t stop feeling like it’s something I shouldn’t do. I look at him the next morning over breakfast, and I feel like he knows what I’ve been doing.

So, I told my cyber-buddies that I am going to stay monogamous, online and offline.

I have some pretty deep relationships; I have a dear, close friend who knew Maggie from Ann’s and we got pretty close, especially over the months since Maggie passed away. I guess we found comfort in each other’s arms. She’s female; I never had a relationship like that with a girl before, but it’s very intense. I’m going to miss the intimacy. It sounds silly since it’s all totally online but we all know the power of words between people, or we wouldn’t be reading online journals!

I told her that we could be friends still but that I had to stay monogamous. At first she was hurt; later she told me it was all right and that she understood. I hope she does. I hope she reads this and knows that I love her but I don’t want to risk the relationship that I’m starting. Relationships are hard enough without all the odd jealousies and insecurities that could happen if I get into trouble.

Anyone else – what do you think? Have you ever had this problem? Am I doing the right thing? If I am or not, please say so.